Private Party

I went for a jog the other day at Cameron Park. I just had to use the bathroom so badly, so I went into the clubhouse. There were people cleaning up after a meal in the next room and I just went straight to the ladies’ room. A man approached me on my way out saying, “This, is a… private party.” His words were laced with condescension and ungraciousness.

I thought later “sorry to trespass on your private party of jackasses!” I know, not a nice thing to think. But what gave this man the right to trespass on my dignity? Suddenly, I knew just an ounce of what it must have felt like for an African American to be asked to sit at the back of the bus in the 60’s.

The truth is much of the world is having a private party. The one screaming at me all the time is the private party of being in a relationship, getting married, and having babies. Biologically, socially, internally; the message is relentless. My friend recently lost a lot of weight (I’m so inspired by her!), and this older woman came up to us and said “she’ll be finding a man in no time, she’s worked so hard, she deserves it!” Like she lost weight not for her own health and well-being but for a future husband to finally appreciate all that is great about her. The message I heard was “if you’re not married, you better be doing your best to snag a man as soon as you can by losing weight and being beautiful, then you’ll come to deserve him.” Even marriage only comes to those who earn it. It’s some sort of club that I’m decidedly unfit for; I’m too independent, too different, too intimidating, too friendly.

I know we all feel the pressure for other sorts of exclusive clubs as well. Clubs set apart for wealth, beauty, success, power.

Even Christianity is accused of being exclusive. But the mystery of the Gospel is that we are adopted. We are grafted in. We didn’t belong, but now we do. And the mystery of the Gospel is available to all who believe through the blood of Christ Jesus. But this message is not easy to swallow. And not all make it in the end. And not all who say ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven.

But our faith is made sure and steadfast. “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

So this private party, do I need to belong there? No. If it was something I needed I would be there. Instead, I am made full in Christ. Salvation is what I need. Mercy and grace applied to my account is all I need to function in this life and the next. Will God be glorified in my life? Will He find faith on the earth?

Am I responsible for this?

I've never thought about myself being an angry person, or even an impatient person. But today I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of anger and impatience that is hard for me to even process. Perhaps I judge people too quickly and too much. I'm not always right about people. I have good instincts when it comes to people and whether they're good or honest or content, but sometimes I really can't trust myself. Sometimes they prove me completely wrong and then I'm totally lost. What do I even know about them at all? I ask myself. And who am I to say whether they should be different or not? But what if I care about them and I want to see them living a fulfilled life, but they're sabotaging their chances?

It's funny, because I don't usually feel responsible for other people's choices, but today, I feel a little bit responsible.

Be grateful!

I'm feeling sad and just the least bit bitter, not to mentioned stressed and confused. But I'm trying to remember all the things that are really very wonderful in my life and to be grateful for them, rather than annoyed that just a few little things aren't different then they are. I need God who is much bigger and better and stronger than me to give me Himself so that I can not drown in my human stupidity. (stupid humanity? no I think human stupidity is more accurate...)

...I need grace to make it...

at work

Sometimes I am so irresponsible. Then my friends and I all pass the irresponsibility on to each other, the snow-ball effect. I should probably hang around people who are extremely productive and maybe it would rub off. Or people who just sleep 8 hours a night, that would be a good influence too. Sleep is Not Overrated... can I just say that?
Sometimes it's not even the people you hang around. It's the books you read... For instance, I'm reading The Murder of Roger Akroyd. Agatha Christie. She's good. This book is hilarious and fascinating all at once. I love these stupid mysteries and Hercule Poirot. "Hello! Poirot!" he says to answer the phone, in a slightly elevated but delightful tone. (well I know that from the show, not the book)
Sometimes it's not even the books you read, it's the things that come on television. We watched Monk and Psych, (gosh, again with the murder mysteries, I'm beginning to think I need to expand my interests).
And now I'm adult, I have no excuse. When I was a child, I just had to watch Matlock, Murder She Wrote, and Diagnosis Murder with my mom (cause she made me). Well certainly no one forced me to read Nancy Drew. Those mystery writers are so clever to ensnare you when you're young and impressionable...

"I have loved you!"

"God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution." (A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God)

I read this quote in a book I'm reading called "Money, Possesions, and Eternity." And as I've been reading this book (I'm still just in the beginning chapters), I'm reminded of how I tend to forget God in the glamour of all His gifts. Sometimes I'm so fascinated by Creation yet I forget the Creator. Or I become so attached to people and things and I forget that all that is good in them is from God alone. Or we start trusting ourselves to "get things done" instead of trusting in God's sovereignty. I have to daily remind myself to trust that He desires to bless me and He's working in me for my good. I struggle to let go of myself everyday, to die to myself.

"He who is holy, who is true, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, and who shuts and no one opens, says this: 'I know your deeds Behold, I have put before you an open door which no one can shut, because you have a little power, and have kept My word, and have not denied My name." Rev. 3:7-8. I have just a "little power" with which I must daily choose to cling to Jesus. He has sovereign power, not just the will to do what He pleases, but the power to do all that He pleases. He pleases to call me His own.

"He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write on him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God, and My new name." Rev. 3:12. Why do I worry? His grace and love bewilders me.

In the same letter in Revelation He said "I will make them know that I have loved you." That's just cool.

Hunger

"Blessed is he who hungers and thirsts for righteousness, for he shall be satisfied."

Sometimes, when you're not listening, God will shout so you can hear.

I'm thankful that God doesn't shy away from telling me the truth about myself, no matter how hard it is for me to hear. It may be easier for me to close my ears and forget what He has shown me, but then I would just be lying to myself. I think it must be easy for us to believe our own lies. To think for a minute that I'm not as bad as that. But I want to know the truth and see as clearly as I can. Being in the dark spiritually is far too frightening. I'm thankful to God for bringing the truth into my life in the ways that He does, specifically for the people that bless my heart with their honesty and kindness. So if you're not listening to God, be ready to hear a few shouts in your direction to catch your attention and bring you back to a place where you can listen.

My life has become something I don't really recognize anymore, but in a good way.

My life as a GA (graduate assistant) at Baylor is very exciting, rewarding, and challanging. I am involved in so many activities it's kinda nuts. For instance tomorrow, I'm going to get up early and do a kickboxing class at the SLC (if I don't oversleep), I will teach a Musikgarten class, go to Pedagogy and turn in my teaching philosophy (I should post that on my blog someday), co-teach our 1125 group piano class, skip piano ensemble because Holly and I aren't ready for a lesson yet, teach private lessons, and go to the Student Organization Summit (which is kind of a waste of time because our organization doesn't really get into most of those issues anyway). And in between I have to practice as much as possible, because every minute is important and can not be wasted. So in this way, I don't really recognize my life anymore, because I used to have time to think through every little thing, and now I just have to do everything without thinking too hard about it. And I used to have time to kind of sit and be still, and now I can do that but only while I'm eating or writing an email, or sleeping. Everyone goes through this I think. So it's good I'm not alone. The encouraging thing is that I like everything that I do a whole lot. I am grateful to be doing all these things and I can only imagine all that I will learn in the process.

His love surprises me.

My friend Jenny just got engaged! I'm so excited for her. Holly has been engaged for seven months, and that's just as awesome. Kristen is pert'near, well she's very serious about Jose anyway, and Sharon we like to say will be married in one with babies in two (that's cutting it close, but you never know with Sharon). A small part of me is sad. It's hard, really hard, not to realize that you're alone when your closest friends are so in love and so happy with their fiances/boyfriends. I do not resent any of them at all, in fact I really couldn't be happier for each of them. But it's true part of me would just like to cry. Once they are married, it will never be the same. Actually, things are already changing. Suddenly you realize that now, you can't be as important to them. I kind of feel like the odd one out, being single. Yet I know all through my heart and soul that God has an incredible, magnificent, beyond imagination, spectacular plan for me. There may be some naysayers out there, who think I'm a hopeless case, doomed to be an old maid with no family of my own. Let me just tell you all now, shove it. You of little faith, God has worked many much more challanging miracles. Not a flower or bird is out of His care, much more will He look after me! I can't say what His plan is, or why I'm here now. Only that when I abide in His love, I can not be sad or alone. He fills me up, and overflows. He leads me by hand, through every hard spot, bringing me through much stronger, much more joyful and surprised in His faithfulness. I pray that my heart finds love renewed everyday. I pray that all of my friends find in their hearts the same. Love given by God in His far-reaching, lovely faithfulness.

Making a Journey

I was reading Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" today, but I read July 28. He was talking about how our journey, every day, every step, is where God is glorified, not necessarily the goal or outcome of our efforts. He says, "God is not working toward a particular finish-His purpose is the process itself... It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorfifying to God. God's training is for now, not later." It just reminded me how life is a journey, I know it's cliche. But each day I have to make choices, and by God's grace I can make good ones that give me hope and a future. It's all in the details. Each day is an opportunity for new discoveries. Am I open to them? I had a teacher tell me once that the opportunity to learn is presented with every breath. I hope that as I walk through my daily routine, I find out new things about God and myself and this little sphere I live on.

Good Morning!

I am working very early in the morning. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't closed last night at midnight. And you can't just fall asleep after work, so it was past 1:00 am before I fell asleep.

I can't believe how much I have on my mind right now.
~wanting to exercise more
~trying to follow a really tight budget (it stinks being a grown up)
~working and teaching
~practice, practice, practice
~studying for graduate entrance exams, I've barely started, grrr
~weddings for everyone

a lot of trying, some doing. I've been on a sort-of vacation. I went home for a week and got absolutely nothing accomplished. And now I know it's time to get back into the swing of things. But first, a nap. No! Resist! Procrastination does not pay off in the end! Just do it! (Nike?)

There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. . . . A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give him no peace. “Self Reliance,” Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Little Note

Thank you Lord for making me perfect and whole through your Son. No matter how hard I try I could never make myself perfect. I try everyday to be a better person and to work hard and to do my best, but I know it's not possible for me to have it all figured out. But because of you I can always be a work in progress. I am your beloved. Thank you for that assurance.

Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

2 Timothy 2:11-13
For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him; If we endure, we will also reign with Him; If we deny Him, He will deny us; If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

The Adventures of Holly and Katie

Holly and I had quite an adventure Friday, even though most don't find our stories as adventurous and hilarious as we do. We were both in Houston for the TMTA (Texas Music Teacher's Association) convention. I drove down Thursday night right after I finished all my piano lessons. I had a car full of laundry and a couple of books for reading in dull moments, which really didn't happen. Friday, my dad wanted to take my car to work so that he could be there when my windshield was replaced. It had a very nasty crack right in the driver's line of sight. But I paid for it. 275 dollars! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway. I had to drive my dad's Buick Le Sabre. Holly didn't mind when I picked her up because that's what her mom drives and once you experience the Le Sabre you'll understand that it's a great source of happiness. Mainly because it's really funny looking, especially when it's old and faded, with cracked leather seats in which the foam stuffing peeps through (however, these seats are also very comfortable). Holly's mom says it's wonderful because when you drive the Le Sabre, everybody gets out of your way because they assume you must not have insurance. hehehe. So I maybe took that to heart and was more daring than usual on 59. It's been awhile since I went driving anywhere in Houston, and I forgot how terrifying it is. So Holly spent a good deal of time laughing at me while I was complaining about how crazy everyone else was, driving along, cutting me off, or slamming on their breaks, or running stop signs. Sometimes you can hear me mumble for a few minutes "crazy! all these people, where did they get their licences! all nuts, all of them..." One time, it was a really close call. There is a lot of construction on Kirby over by the Rice Village. And everyone knows how narrow all those lanes are anyway, and to have a giant crane taking up four it feels like at any second you might be kicked off the earth. So we were driving down, Holly waving at all the construction guard men because they are probably a foot away from her face, and one of the cranes has it's arm swinging full circle to my car. Oh boy, both Holly and I yelped like scared puppies. And then we both cracked up. It was very funny too, because we had just bought these big white sunglasses, matching, at White House Black Market (and Kendra, you weren't there!), and we couldn't take each other seriously in them.

But before that we showed up at the Hyatt Regencey in downtown off of Lousiana at 8 am, and we were very impressed with the four elevators which were exposed all the way up to the top level, 30. We go down to the exhibit hall, check out the schedule, see that we really only want to see one session, and figure it's not worth 50 dollars, plus 30 for the parking. So we go out to the lobby with the extremely high elevator view, look at some jewelry in a shop, buy some coffee at a different shop (where ladies were laughting at us because neither of us could find where the coffee dispensers were), ate an apple tart making a mess at the table, and finally worked up the courage to ride the elevators.

We planned to pick a floor near the top and pretend to look for the ice machine. So we headed over to the elevators, where a ton of people were waiting, one slightly creepy guy stared Holly down (she really got this a lot on Friday, probably three of four times), and an elevator arrived and the crowd got on, and Holly and I hung back not wanting to squeeze in for our ride, stopping on every floor. We caught the next one and just had a couple of convention ladies with us then. We arrived at 27 and stepped out and decided to go to the end of the hall and look out the window at the neighboring skyscraper which is probably five levels higher than the Hyatt. We peeked over the edge of the shoulder high wall down in to the lobby. We could see all thirty levels of rooms, a few had cleaning ladies working and so we went down to peek at a few of the rooms. I guessed they were on level 24. But when we got in the elevator again and nearly stopped at 24, I realized that it was 23. "oh, I mean, we need to go to 23!" It was fairly obvious by this point that we were aimlessly wondering and didn't really belong on this elevator at all, but our fellow riders just smiled and pressed button 23. Holly thought it would be good to ask the cleaning lady where the restrooms were. So we peeked in the rooms, (they were pretty nice, not spectacular or anything) and Holly asked the lady, who responed "I don't speak English."
"el baño?"
"o, lobby? on lobby..." So then we escaped to the elevators, but to ride down the side that is exposed to the street, so the people watchers in the Lobby who had been tracking our adventure would lose our trail. Another thing that happened a lot on Friday was that Holly had to use the restroom all the time. :)

When we left the hotel we wondered through downtown and found ourselves visiting the Houston Public Library. Here we thought for a split second that we locked ourselves into one room, and tried to log on the computers in the main building but couldn't of course, because we're not HPL card holders. Well I am, but I didn't have mine with me and didn't want to sign up for a new one. When we finally left downtown, we had only spent 13.50 on parking. Better than 30, that's for sure. Driving back was an adventure all it's own. We visited Rice University, and stopped in the Village for some sunglasses. Around 11:30 we went to the Phonecia market for lunch and had delicious hummus and spinach pies and falafel and baklava and Turkish coffee. Then I had to take Holly back to Stan and Tiffany's to clean bathrooms. Poor Holly. And I took a nap. I've been taking a lot of naps lately. I must still be recovering from senior year. I wonder when I'll be back to normal. ;)

It was a fun adventure, but I'm sure nobody will find it nearly as funny as Holly and I did at the time.

Will my patience run out?

I've always been very patient. But I wonder if God really wants me to wait around for good things to come my way, or does He want me to actively pursue those good things? Or is He asking me to simply like what I have, since I can't have what I'd like?

Who knows the answers to these questions? I figure He must have had a good plan in mind for me, when He gave me my family and teachers and friends. And the amount of money we had for our needs. And the experiences I've had. And all those things that make a person who they are. I'm not going to change really. Not drastically. All of the sudden I'm not going to turn around and love to party and stay out until four. I'm not going to begin to hate music. And I'm not going to stop wishing I was a better pianist and a more beautiful girl. But sometimes I do think about being someone else, with different experiences to define me. How would I be changed? Which friends would want to hang around, and who would rather be somewhere else? But I have to say again, God must know what I don't. I belong here for some reason and I'd like to figure it out. I'm sure I never will.

I'd like to think that it will all become clear to me and all the pieces will fall into place like a funny puzzle. And I'll laugh and say "see, it all turned out right in the end!" But of course I constantly doubt this conclusion. What if there are pieces missing? Even just one piece missing? What will happen to me? Sometimes I think I'm so sure about something and then it turns out to be a complete farce. Ha! Isn't that everyone's story?

Okay, I'm not going to quit piano.

I've definitely thought about it. However, my perpetual optimism and work ethic have won out. Surely if I work very hard this summer and find inspiration in the right places I shall find success down a long, hard road. Hey, it's kind of like an adventure, right? That's all life is anyway. Some people take years to figure out what they want to do with their lives. I knew a long time ago. It will just take years for me to be any good at it. Evens out in the end, then.

For now, I practice, teach, and work, and hope it all pays off. I suppose God new I would be a very patient person, because I have to wait for lots of things most of the time. Like I have to wait for this headache to go away, or wait for appreciation for my hours of toil, or for lunch, or everything.

So I am going to keep practicing my Prokofiev Sonata and Chopin Ballade, waiting for a good opportunity to try them out again, and play them giving due justice to the composers, and my hard work of course.

Happy Memorial Day to all. Thanks muchly to all you troops, past and present (and future).

Katie Thompson, BM Piano Performance

Just trying it out. I have a degree. That's pretty cool, I guess. In the past four days I have taught, worked at the library, graduated from Baylor, moved apartments, driven six hours in a car, was master of ceremony for the English portion of a Buddhist scholarship ceremony, went to many stores with my mother, bought furniture, put some of it together, seen family and friends, done luandry, eaten, slept, played on the computer... okay things aren't as important to mention anymore (I shouldn't list all the way down to using the bathroom and brushing teeth and saying hello to pet fish, poor Herby, he's not doing well.) All that's left to do is fall in love or something like it, oh and practice, I haven't done any of that recently.

I should probably mention my senior recital. But I wasn't terribly happy with it so I won't say much. My master's recital should be much better, because I can start now and have lots of time to get it together.

I notice this about my family, they really like to eat, and I always feel like it's a lost cause if you're trying to avoid fast food or cheese. I was trying to not eat cheese for awhile and it's a duanting task, especially if you're like Wallace and really like cheese. And especially if you're family are all like Wallace too, and eat cheesy foods. Or go to cheesy restaurants. Perhaps living alone will give me the opportunity to not buy food that I shouldn't eat like cheese.

I am very excited about my new apartment. It will be just me and my stuff. I can keep it as clean or as messy as I like. I can leave a book there or a shoe there, depending on if I like it there or there. I can jump on the bed, but I won't do that. (my dad just asked what we should have for dinner "eggs, with cheese maybe?" and I stood firm! no cheese thank you, salt and pepper will be fine for me.) I can open a window, I can rearrange all the furniture. I can hide a cat (or a fish) in there somewhere. I can swing on my very own swing.

Even though I have a degree, it doesn't mean that my thoughts will all be profound from now on. Oh well.

Oatmeal

I had a very big bowl of oatmeal with apples in it this morning. I am very full of oatmeal. I'm thinking I may visit my grandparents soon. I wish Jamie would post our work schedule already. I'm sure it won't work, whichever hours he's given me, and then I'll have to quit or something. I am very anxious about many things. I hope I can know what is the best thing to do in all these anxiety causing situations, which I fail to mention specifically at the moment. Nobody is here at the library this morning, no staff, no patrons, no visiting friends. It's very sad indeed. I wish I had somebody else's thinking mind this morning instead of my own. It's too full right now.

Ready for the New Year

I am very nervous, excited, and impatient for this semester to begin. I have so many various jobs to do now. The library, playing for church, teaching lessons, and teaching a musikgarten class (maybe two, we're waiting for more kids to sign up). I really need to practice because this holiday has been very busy and I haven't had a chance to really get good note-learning done yet.

I really felt kind of like a gypsy this holiday. I had my suitcase and shampoo, and travelled to all these different homes to eat and sleep. I even mopped the floor at a complete strangers house! I've been to two weddings. I saw the Houston Ballet. I loved their choreography and costumes for the Nutcracker, it was just beautiful.

Now it's back to work and busyness. My main concern for now is finishing up grad school applications and practice. I'm praying that I can stay confident and calm in the peace of Christ.

I am praying for all my family and friends that you all find wonderful blessings in the Lord for this new year!

Mu Phi Madness!

Yesterday we had what I would like to call Mu Phi Madness. And it continues today with Crush, a big water fight/party thingy. Rush just finished last night. We all went to Rachel's recital, had Formal Tea right after that, and our meeting right after that. So we've had a lot of Mu Phi for a while. But it's been fun so I can't complain.

I have a lot going on this semester but I'm doing my best to stay calm about it all. I know that God is taking care of everything and that there is no need for me to waste time worrying and stressing out for no benefit. I am praying that I can really follow his guidance as far as grad school goes, I know what I want to do, I just need to find where I can do it and how I can make it work.

We all miss Jenny. Baylor isn't the same without you!!!

I am going to have the biggest t-shirt collection of anyone with all these Mu Phi events/activities/thingies.

That's all.

Busy Semester

Only 12 hours. You'd think this semester I would have nothing to do! Yet I am extremely busy. I guess I technically have three jobs (but as a musician that's pretty typical). It's the teaching that keeps me really busy, but it's wonderful fun.

I'm in the process of looking into graduate programs, which is exciting and nerve-racking. I'm trying to learn a bunch of music and it's hard music for me so that has been a challenge, but also fun (mostly).

I saw Miss Potter during my Saturday shift last week, it was really sad and wonderful. I haven't had time for fun reading and that is sad. I guess my life is pretty calm and boring right now. But I am very happy and content with that.