Private Party

I went for a jog the other day at Cameron Park. I just had to use the bathroom so badly, so I went into the clubhouse. There were people cleaning up after a meal in the next room and I just went straight to the ladies’ room. A man approached me on my way out saying, “This, is a… private party.” His words were laced with condescension and ungraciousness.

I thought later “sorry to trespass on your private party of jackasses!” I know, not a nice thing to think. But what gave this man the right to trespass on my dignity? Suddenly, I knew just an ounce of what it must have felt like for an African American to be asked to sit at the back of the bus in the 60’s.

The truth is much of the world is having a private party. The one screaming at me all the time is the private party of being in a relationship, getting married, and having babies. Biologically, socially, internally; the message is relentless. My friend recently lost a lot of weight (I’m so inspired by her!), and this older woman came up to us and said “she’ll be finding a man in no time, she’s worked so hard, she deserves it!” Like she lost weight not for her own health and well-being but for a future husband to finally appreciate all that is great about her. The message I heard was “if you’re not married, you better be doing your best to snag a man as soon as you can by losing weight and being beautiful, then you’ll come to deserve him.” Even marriage only comes to those who earn it. It’s some sort of club that I’m decidedly unfit for; I’m too independent, too different, too intimidating, too friendly.

I know we all feel the pressure for other sorts of exclusive clubs as well. Clubs set apart for wealth, beauty, success, power.

Even Christianity is accused of being exclusive. But the mystery of the Gospel is that we are adopted. We are grafted in. We didn’t belong, but now we do. And the mystery of the Gospel is available to all who believe through the blood of Christ Jesus. But this message is not easy to swallow. And not all make it in the end. And not all who say ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven.

But our faith is made sure and steadfast. “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

So this private party, do I need to belong there? No. If it was something I needed I would be there. Instead, I am made full in Christ. Salvation is what I need. Mercy and grace applied to my account is all I need to function in this life and the next. Will God be glorified in my life? Will He find faith on the earth?

Am I responsible for this?

I've never thought about myself being an angry person, or even an impatient person. But today I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of anger and impatience that is hard for me to even process. Perhaps I judge people too quickly and too much. I'm not always right about people. I have good instincts when it comes to people and whether they're good or honest or content, but sometimes I really can't trust myself. Sometimes they prove me completely wrong and then I'm totally lost. What do I even know about them at all? I ask myself. And who am I to say whether they should be different or not? But what if I care about them and I want to see them living a fulfilled life, but they're sabotaging their chances?

It's funny, because I don't usually feel responsible for other people's choices, but today, I feel a little bit responsible.

Be grateful!

I'm feeling sad and just the least bit bitter, not to mentioned stressed and confused. But I'm trying to remember all the things that are really very wonderful in my life and to be grateful for them, rather than annoyed that just a few little things aren't different then they are. I need God who is much bigger and better and stronger than me to give me Himself so that I can not drown in my human stupidity. (stupid humanity? no I think human stupidity is more accurate...)

...I need grace to make it...

at work

Sometimes I am so irresponsible. Then my friends and I all pass the irresponsibility on to each other, the snow-ball effect. I should probably hang around people who are extremely productive and maybe it would rub off. Or people who just sleep 8 hours a night, that would be a good influence too. Sleep is Not Overrated... can I just say that?
Sometimes it's not even the people you hang around. It's the books you read... For instance, I'm reading The Murder of Roger Akroyd. Agatha Christie. She's good. This book is hilarious and fascinating all at once. I love these stupid mysteries and Hercule Poirot. "Hello! Poirot!" he says to answer the phone, in a slightly elevated but delightful tone. (well I know that from the show, not the book)
Sometimes it's not even the books you read, it's the things that come on television. We watched Monk and Psych, (gosh, again with the murder mysteries, I'm beginning to think I need to expand my interests).
And now I'm adult, I have no excuse. When I was a child, I just had to watch Matlock, Murder She Wrote, and Diagnosis Murder with my mom (cause she made me). Well certainly no one forced me to read Nancy Drew. Those mystery writers are so clever to ensnare you when you're young and impressionable...

"I have loved you!"

"God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution." (A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God)

I read this quote in a book I'm reading called "Money, Possesions, and Eternity." And as I've been reading this book (I'm still just in the beginning chapters), I'm reminded of how I tend to forget God in the glamour of all His gifts. Sometimes I'm so fascinated by Creation yet I forget the Creator. Or I become so attached to people and things and I forget that all that is good in them is from God alone. Or we start trusting ourselves to "get things done" instead of trusting in God's sovereignty. I have to daily remind myself to trust that He desires to bless me and He's working in me for my good. I struggle to let go of myself everyday, to die to myself.

"He who is holy, who is true, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, and who shuts and no one opens, says this: 'I know your deeds Behold, I have put before you an open door which no one can shut, because you have a little power, and have kept My word, and have not denied My name." Rev. 3:7-8. I have just a "little power" with which I must daily choose to cling to Jesus. He has sovereign power, not just the will to do what He pleases, but the power to do all that He pleases. He pleases to call me His own.

"He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write on him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God, and My new name." Rev. 3:12. Why do I worry? His grace and love bewilders me.

In the same letter in Revelation He said "I will make them know that I have loved you." That's just cool.